Anxiously waiting..

I have been glued to my computer for the last week awating a response from a woman who was looking for me to give me information about my father, much to my disapointment I still have not heard anything back from her. :(

I'll fill you all in....

Ever since I was 3, my father has been absent from my life. He and my mom married before I was born, it was a very painful & abusive marriage for my mother during that time. So, when I was 3, they divorced. My mom continued to raise me as a single mom & my father never came back or tried to contact me, for 29 years to be exact.

It's always been my burning desire to meet him or frankly, just to know about him and know why he left me. I understand the fear behind my mom keeping me away from him, but as a child who has had an absent parent in their lives, you always have an empty feeling that's undescribable to those who have never experienced it. So many people in my family don't understand why I would want to meet him and honestly, I don't know either. A part of me is very angry at him for being so selfish and not caring about my feelings as his daughter. I'm angry that he took the easy way out and never gave my mom a penny to help raise me, which she so dearly needed. I'm angry that he doesn't realize how much it hurt growing up without a father.

Then on flip side, I feel sorry for him. I would hate for him to think I hate him, because I don't. What if he really wants to know me and contact me, but he's scared, just like me? What if he does think about me on my birthday? What if he's alone & miserable? What if it made his life complete to know I turned out great and have a wonderful family life? These questions drive me crazy!

So, I have tried to find him for years. At one point, I even hired a PI, which she found him for me...but I chickened out! I know, stupid right? Well she came back to me with some hard information. For starters, she had a hard time finding him due to how many times he moves. He moves about every 6 months which makes it VERY hard to track him...almost like he's running from someone. Could that be me? Another reason I chickened out. She also said he was in prison for 2 years for aggravated assault, 4 counts. I chose not to contact him since I didn't feel comfortable then, but I regret it now.

I do believe people can change & I hope he has too. 3 years ago I put a post on the internet looking for him & requested information from anyone who may have it. Well last week while doing my usual google search for him, I came across a woman who put a post out for ME. She said she was looking for me, to give me some information about my father, however, she wanted to remain anonymous. It was kind of bazaar but I quickly responded back to her and have heard nothing since. I keep hoping and praying that she will get the gull to respond back to me. I need to find out on my own if he is the same as my family says or if he has changed.

My great friend "B" found me his address, which I have since mailed him a letter. I will keep you all posted...I hope this works out so I can FINALLY get closure. Whether he wants to have a relationship or not, I can handle any outcome.


Blogger Templates